Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10