Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
this is so top tier i cant
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.