Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
next level snooze
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.