“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Noted.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.