ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
me when the borders lift
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.