The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
An odd boast
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.