Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
You Might Also Like
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.