I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
hi why am I like this
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?