Oh thanks BBC.
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also my go-to takeaway order
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
What?!?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.