There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.