me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Breaking news:
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”