I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?