The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me: