other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.