My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
This kid is going places
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?