I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am