“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me hitting on a model
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
How do dragons blow out candles?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.