[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.