Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.