it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
just make the entire table out of coaster
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*