If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
You Might Also Like
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
a badder mouse
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”