I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
You Might Also Like
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.