There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Always…
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation