wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck