I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Just me and my debit card against the world