They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too