Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
You Might Also Like
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Every. Damn. Time.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.