It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I feel it
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila