Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.