I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..