My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.