Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏