[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time