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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.