Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Oops
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem