I can also cook 😂
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?