[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
“and how does that make you feel?”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.