The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
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I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy