[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.