Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241