*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit