Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”