[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.