Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems