If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You Might Also Like
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.