[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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馃
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
We鈥檙e all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
When you vacuum your kid鈥檚 room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Listen, I鈥檓 as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they鈥檙e left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn鈥檛 left my house in 2 years: I must have this
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
What if the weather talks about us?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
In case you鈥檙e having a bad day鈥here鈥檚 this.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude 鉀勶笍
lmaaaaaooooooooo