Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.