My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.