Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
OH. COME. ON.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day