Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
😲 WTF? 😆
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?